Good Resources for Expectant Moms

I love talking about birth. It kind of freaked me out when I was pregnant, but now I seriously love hearing how each baby I meet entered the world. I especially love natural birth stories. I was sharing a brief version of Samantha’s birth story (the full version can be found here) with some friends, and a mom of two recently asked me how I knew “all this stuff” about alternative options for birth. My answer was quite simple: my incredible sister has seven children, two of whom were born at home. Throughout my pregnancy, she patiently fielded all of my questions and gently provided guidance, support, and information. I was also able to talk freely with my mom about her personal experiences “back in the day.” Between these two awesome women, I was able to educate myself about the birth experience the way women *used* to – by learning from their mothers, sisters, aunts, and cousins, instead of from doctors with whom they had no prior relationship. But I realize that I had a unique opportunity, and most women nowadays don’t have quite that network of women.

There are literally thousands of resources out there now to help guide women through conception, pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. This is both a good and bad thing. It is fantastic that there is information available in books and on the internet, but with so much information out there, a lot of it seems to contradict each other. Especially when your brain is flooded with pregnancy hormones, it is difficult to filter through all the differing opinions of what is “best” and make a decision based on what is best for you and your baby.

However, I think it is extremely important for women to educate themselves about this incredibly special occasion. Most women spend (significantly) more time researching and preparing for their wedding day than they do for their birth experience. Of course, weddings are important events, but birth is the act of bringing another human being into the world – it is THE most important event (at least, in my opinion). So, just like most of us wouldn’t hand over all the details of our wedding to an “expert” (wedding planner, well-organized friend, whatever) without at least getting the chance to veto the floral design or express our wishes for the meal, we shouldn’t just go blindly into birth and assume that everything the experts (doctors, midwives, nurses, whatever) want to do is what is best for you. None of these people are experts on you and your baby.

I would like to advocate here for women (and their partners) to make informed decisions and be actively involved in the birth process. Disclaimer: I am by no means trying to invalidate the experience of those who did not have natural births (whether by choice or by chance). I believe each woman needs to seriously consider what is best for her and her baby, and to make decisions based upon that information. That said, I also believe that our bodies are designed to birth babies – without medical intervention – the majority of the time. I believe that pregnancy and birth are not illnesses to be treated and managed by doctors on a schedule, but are experiences designed to transition a woman into motherhood. These experiences are not easy, will rarely fit into a perfect time table, and will, ultimately bring forth two new beings: the baby, and the mother. It is the most awesome, terrifying, and empowering experience a person can have.

Anyway, because I am always interested in discussing birth with anyone who will listen, I have often been asked for recommendations on the various books and resources that I have found helpful. I did a lot of reading and internet searching while preparing for Samantha (and even more since she has arrived), and many of these resources have been recommended to me by other mothers. I wanted to share a list of some of my favorites. Most of these follow the type of birth/parenting “philosophy*” that I adhere to, so if you’re not interested in that, then you probably won’t find these recommendations helpful. Please feel free to comment with other recommendations, as well.

*”Parenting philosophy” is a term I use loosely, since I think trying to put everything you believe into one ideology/set of rules is a sure way to set yourself up for frustration with a baby (and I can only speak about parenting itself from my perspective with a particularly adorable eight month old). However, if you’d like some clarification on how I would define my “style” , I’d say part attachment parenting, part “instinctual” parenting, and part “make it up as you go” parenting. It is not the easiest way to parent, and probably not the most effective, but it’s what feels right to me and my husband, so that’s what we do.*

Anyway, back to the recommendations:

For Pregnancy:

*The Pregnancy Book by Dr. Sears – this goes month by month with what to expect. Dr. Sears is one of the main advocates of attachment parenting, and I have read many of his books. The cover on this one is a bit 1980’s looking, but the information inside is solid.

*What to Expect When You’re Expecting – this is probably the most popular book. I read this side-by-side with The Pregnancy Book, each a month at a time so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. This book represents every single possible spectrum, so it is good for pretty much all mothers, regardless of what they are considering. However, I will say that while it discusses natural birth, it is a bit light on some of the alternative options or other more natural approaches to pregnancy, which is why the Dr. Sears book is a good companion.

For Nutrition:

*Real Food for Mother and Baby by Nina Plank – I didn’t read this until just a few months ago, so it wasn’t helpful to me during my pregnancy, but I wish I had read it then! It follows the ideas Plank shares in her book Real Food (simply: processed food, “low fat/carb/calorie/whatever”, and things like “cheese products” are not, actually, food, and that real food in its natural, complete form is quite healthy and good for us… Imagine that!) In this version of the book, she gives ideas for diets for increasing fertility and conception, for pregnancy, for breastfeeding, and for feeding baby when s/he starts solid foods. While I was pregnant, I did try to read “What to Eat While You’re Expecting,” and the Dr. Sears book also had nutrition guidelines, but I have a hard time counting calories, or protein/carb/fat intake, so this holistic approach to eating well to help baby grow and help prepare your body for its biggest physical challenge is simple and wonderful.

For Birth:

*The Birth Book by Dr. Sears – I think this book is extremely important. What to Expect covers every single option for birth available – from drug free to elective C-section – and that is all fine to know. This book, however, while covering all of these topics, puts a lot of emphasis on natural birth and alternative birth options. It discusses all of the tests that will be done during your pregnancy (which, by the way, did you know that you have the right to refuse any test or treatment if you want? This information was the most liberating thing I learned while pregnant. While I only turned down one screening early on – to see if there were any genetic defects in the baby, since we knew we would have the baby regardless of the results and the test can show a false positive and cause unnecessary worry for the remainder of your pregnancy – it was still comforting to know that D and I could be in control of our baby’s wellbeing from the very beginning). Anyway, it also discusses putting together your birth team – selecting your doctor/midwife, and choosing who will be with you (partner, doula, family, friends) – as well as writing your birth plan. It discusses the pros and cons of various birthing locations (home, birth center, hospital). It also thoroughly explains all of the stages of birth and everything to expect. Honestly, by the time I went to my birth class, I knew all of the information already because of this book. It’s a good read if you want to be really well informed. It might even help you prepare yourself to avoid any unnecessary but all-too-common medical interventions. Knowledge is power, afterall.

(Notice there is only one book under this heading? Even though it’s the main topic of my blog post? That’s because I only read this one book specifically on the subject of birth [other books touched on it] and felt that I had all the information I needed to make informed decisions throughout the process.)

*The Business of Being Born. This isn’t a book, it’s a documentary. And it’s amazing. And okay, it made me cry when I watched it with my fearful early pregnancy hormones, but it opened up my eyes to quite a lot of information. Like any documentary, it has a specific spin (this is very homebirth oriented), but I think it is especially important for those planning a hospital birth. It clearly demonstrates the effects of extraneous medical interventions, as well as reveals some of the (now out of date) rather scary aspects of medicalized birth history (twilight sleep, anyone?) It also shows how incredibly awesome and transformative birth can be. Be advised that it does depict actual birth scenes, although none of that close-up nonsense of the baby emerging (which, I’m told by my husband, is “crazy and beautiful and a confluence of emotion that is hard to describe” when you witness it on a loved one, but might not evoke quite the same emotions when watching a stranger on the tv screen). These scenes are very… well, real, of laboring women, and if you’re getting ready to have a baby and you have never seen a birth before, these are the ones to watch. They might not be pretty, but they are absolutely beautiful. Honestly, if you only take one recommendation from this blog, I hope it is to watch this movie. Seriously.

I have been able to find most, if not all, of these resources at my local library. As I said earlier, there are thousands of books out there on pregnancy, nutrition, and birth, and I am sure each one has at least a glimmer of good information. These are just the resources that I found particularly helpful during my pregnancy, and that I routinely loan to friends. I am very interested to hear what resources have been helpful to others during pregnancy, so please comment with other recommendations!

When God Says "Stay"

Yesterday I was rocking out to my oh-so-hip Audio Adrenaline Pandora station, and the theme seemed to be "go." I listened to the lyrics about going wherever God calls, looked down at the sink of dirty dishes I was washing, and thought, "But what about when God says to stay?"

I love going. I love to travel, I love experiencing different cultures, learning new languages, and meeting new people. In general, I love big, scary changes that challenge me (as much as I might moan about them in the moment). A few weeks ago, some new missionaries spoke at church about being called to France. They wanted to follow God's leading, but until He made it very clear this is what they were to do, they had no burning desire to actually go anywhere. I, on the other hand, am filled with wanderlust. I found myself thinking, "Hey, I'll be a missionary to France!" (or Africa, or Toronto, or Antarctica, or wherever...) I would love to go somewhere new and try a brand new way of life. I've always felt closest to God when I am immersed in work for Him, especially on a 24- hour basis (read: camp), and my life has always felt so full during those times. Surely that is what it is like to be a missionary, right? (Note: this was my idealized thought process and in no way reflects reality for missionaries the world over.)

There have been times when God has told me to go. God told me to go to a small camp in Virginia to run the waterfront when I was 19, and then blessed me with three wonderful summers of spiritual growth and ministry opportunities. God sent me to the mountains of Alabama, where five years ago I saved D's life and fell in love. Most recently, God sent me to a new city, along with my husband and then-two-week-old baby. God has told me to go for a new job, go for a new friend, go for family, and, always, go for Him.

Now, my message is to stay.

Stay home, manage the house. Make doctor's appointments and grocery lists. Mend clothes. Bake cookies. Divide my time between laundry, dishes, sweeping, tidying, paying bills, cooking meals, and running errands. Repeat daily, if not more often.

Stay home with Samantha. Change diapers, wash diapers, fold diapers. Feed the baby. Bathe the baby. Put her down for naps. Comfort her when she cries. Make her laugh. Love on her endlessly.

Stay with D. The physical logistics of this have never been in question, but the emotional part but can sometimes be a bit hazier. But God says stay with D in my heart. Stay connected, stay interested, stay engaged. Stay passionate when I feel haggard. Stay attentive when I am distracted. Stay emotionally faithful to the man who works so hard for our family.

To me, today, God has said stay. Stay and I will bless you with a loving family. Stay and I will show you a strong church family. Stay and I will provide for you, even when things seem bleak.

The more I think about it, the more I know that God is with me whether I stay or go, because He will never leave us nor forsake us. But in this less-than-glamorous time of my life, I am starting to realize that I will not be with Him unless I listen, obey, and stay. 

Food for Thought, or Thoughts on Food

This is about two weeks late, but... Happy New Year! Two thousand twelve was an adventurous year in our house, and we had the opportunity to end it surrounded by new friends. My ambitious husband has a list of 101 things to do in 2013 that will contribute to our family adventures (although hopefully in less "major life change" ways and more in a "hiking really cool mountains" kind of way), but neither of us really made resolutions for the new year. I never do anymore. I learned a long time ago that if I have to make a grand decision to change/add/remove something, I won't follow through with it. I think this is true for most people. It's why gym memberships sell out in January, and by March there is no longer a line for the treadmills and bikes. Also, in general, the things I want to change in my life don't normally happen around the turn of the year; instead, I generally identify a problem and start immediately trying to remedy it (or stubbornly ignore it.)

This year, however, timing and circumstance have conspired to force me to admit that there is something I want to change in the new year. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for a few years now, but I've never truly had the motivation to deal with. This year, I am going to stop eating (and feeding my family) junk.

It's true, we eat a lot of junk. By "junk" I mean processed and imitation foods. Sometimes, we don't even realize that what we are eating isn't "real food," because it's cleverly disguised to look and - almost - taste like the real thing. Unfortunately, most of these foods are packed full of preservatives, chemicals, hormones, and nasty, unnatural fats and sugars, and I think they are slowly killing us (or, at least, our taste buds).

I've read a lot on "healthy" diets, many of which mean counting calories, measuring out vegetables, eliminating taste... I can't get on board with any of those. I am not good at counting, measuring, reading labels, etc. And I love for food to taste good. Then I read one of Michael Pollan's books, and I liked what it said. But... I still wasn't quite motivated to make any big change. Sure, I tried to eat more leafy greens, but it was a half-hearted effort.

Last month, it was time for Samantha to start trying solid foods. I panicked. I know my diet is not ideal, so how was I going to model a healthy diet for her?

Then I read Nina Planck's "Real Food for Mothers and Babies." It's fantastic. It talks all about what to eat when you are trying to conceive, when pregnant, when nursing, and what to feed your baby as first food. And while I don't agree with everything she writes, I did agree with one thing: real food is best.

It sound simple, and it is. I can't do justice to all the knowledge she packs into that little book, so I recommend that you just find it and read it (if you're not interested in "mothers and babies," her first book is just called "Real Food" and I've heard is also quite wonderful.) But basically, it speaks to my traditionalist sensibility.

So, I've started making an effort to eliminate most of the processed food from our pantry, and to buy food in its original form. This is a slow process, but I've found that it has actually really helped these last few weeks as our grocery budget has also gotten quite a bit smaller.

For example, instead of buying individually wrapped chicken breasts for $1.99/lb (if I get the Club Pack at Wegman's, which provides me with about a dozen individual serving breasts), we instead bought an entire chicken for $6.00. D seasoned it up and roasted it in the oven, then sliced it up. We got a lot of meat off of that chicken, for only $0.99/lb. (Yes, half the cost of our club pack chicken breasts, with a lot less plastic waste). 

Of course, we were paying for the bones, too, so you might say it wasn't worth it. But the bonus: we used the bones and extra skin to make homemade chicken broth, and had several soups the following week that were full of natural, no-preservative flavor. Homemade chicken broth (or chicken stock) is insanely easy. We only used some of the larger bones, but next time we will use the whole carcass. All you do is cover the bones/carcass with water, bring it to a boil, and then leave it to simmer for about 4 hours. Occasionally you need to add some hot water to make sure the bones stay covered. After about four hours, strain out the bones/skin/etc. I put a colander over a large bowl and poured the stock into it. Once I dumped all the large pieces, I put a dishtowel over the colander and re-poured. This strained out some the smaller pieces that were easy to miss.

I know this sounds silly, but it is really satisfying to use almost an entire animal instead of just bits and pieces. Just this one chicken and the stock we made from it provided over a week of diverse meals. For six dollars. Even if you aren't very good at math, it's easy to figure out that it's less than a dollar a day. That's the type of expense that my grocery budget can handle.

After the success with the chicken, we started thinking about what else we can make, both to cut back costs and to have "real" food in our house. Every morning, I love to eat wheat toast with peanut butter, and D takes a sandwich to work each day, so we tend to go through a lot of bread. And while we don't want carbs and refined flour to be a major part of our diet, the reality is that we like toast and sandwiches, and we spend a lot of money on bread. I like wheat bread, but D does not. Then I stumbled upon this amazing food blog (Mel's Kitchen Cafe) and her tutorial on yeast. Yeast breads have always made me nervous. One, I didn't understand the differences between the types of yeast, so that was a big problem. Two, I've always found that homemade breads might be good for toast, but are too crumbly and heavy to make sandwiches. Enter this amazing whole wheat bread recipe - I tried the third recipe (although left out the Vitamin C because I bought vital wheat gluten that already had it added - oh, and I got it at the surplus store for only 29 cents, too!) She even has a photo tutorial on how to make this bread step-by-step. I gave it a try, and it turned out amazing! How amazing? This bread was so wonderful that not only did it make great toast, it worked well on sandwiches, and D loved it so much that he routinely would cut slices just to eat on its own. My white bread loving husband has been converted to a whole wheat bread fan, and I am thankful. And there is seriously something very satisfying about eating something you made entirely from scratch. I have found that half of that recipe makes 2 9"x5" loaves and that lasts anywhere from three days to a week.

On a side note, since my success with the whole wheat bread, I have wanted to give homemade pita bread a try. Granted, this recipe is made with refined white flour instead of wheat flour, but sometimes you have to splurge. And while not all of my pitas puffed, some did and they all tasted great! The recipe is really simple and I managed to make them and get S ready for bed at the same time (yes, including bath time, story time, and nursing - all of which happened when the dough was resting), in addition to preparing this super delicious chakchouka recipe. I felt like superwoman.

Of course, there is another big part of our attempt to eat real food - fruits & vegetables. I am really bad at this, and until Samantha started eating solids I usually threw these onto the plate as a side note. Now, I plan my meals around them because I like to make sure that, at least a few nights a week, Samantha has something new to smash into her hair. While spring brings a fabulous (albeit small) grower's market to Williamsport, D and I are hoping to plant a small garden to help supplement the fresh veggies. We are still working out what form this will take, since we rent a 2nd floor apartment. I am hoping to talk to our landlord about gardening out in the yard, since there is a small plot right next to the house that appears like it was once a flower garden and now has some sad shrubbery in it. It would be awesome if I could make that a small vegetable garden. However, we aren't sure how much longer we will be living in this apartment, so we are also discussing doing an indoor herb garden on some bookshelves, and planting a few vegetables in containers so we can take them if/when we move. I am still in the "research" phase of all of this, but I am excited about the prospect. My dad had a wonderful vegetable garden in our yard when I was younger, and I remember the pride he had when he harvested fresh green beans and broccoli for our family (not that I liked to eat them as a picky youngster, but in hindsight I am thankful.)

So, it isn't happening overnight, but slowly our packaged and processed food supply is dwindling (and not being replenished). I have had to get more creative with meals now that we are trying to include more "real" food, but it has been an enjoyable challenge.

Christmas Letter/Year in Review (in pictures)

I love getting Christmas cards. I really love getting Christmas cards that have family pictures in them. But I especially love getting Christmas letters. I am not particularly adept at keeping in touch with people, so these end-of-year life updates are my favorite.

Unfortunately, I am not very good at sending out my own Christmas letters. Last year, I was on the ball and sent out photo cards, but for various reasons a Christmas card was not feasible this year. I thought about doing an email letter, but I barely read anything that comes to my inbox, and I thought others might be the same. Especially if the email comes at a particularly busy or stressful time. Say.... Christmas? So I decided to take my non-Christmas-card-writing one step further and write my letter here, in my blog. It might seem lazy or impersonal, but this way I'm not cluttering up your email box, your real mailbox, your recycle bin next month, or your trashcan and a landfill if you're (gasp) not into recycling.

Anyway, here is my lazy/eco-friendly/poor girl's Christmas letter (you can choose which you want it to be). It's been an interesting year!

Last year around this time, you might have received a photo card announcing our big news:

Photo credit: Shelby Blevins Photography (for the picture on the card, not the picture of the card)

The anticipation of the baby was preempted by another big life event. In late February, D had surgery to repair the massive hernia caused by the incision from one of his previous surgeries. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of that, although I did get to see CT scan photos of what my husband looks like bisected, so that was pretty cool. In early March, the hernia repair failed and D had another surgery, prolonging his stay in the hospital. (Again, sorry, no pictures of this one). He is now held together by Gortex, which sounds much more impressive than it probably is. On a side note, his doctors and nurses at Hershey Medical Center were absolutely fantastic. I was very impressed with the care he received there.

Spring brought a lot of preparations for transition. In April, I started working my last Outdoor Education season at Black Rock Retreat. It was challenging to stay energetic and focused throughout the day with a growing belly slowing me down, but I was surrounded by wonderful coworkers and friends who were very (VERY) patient with me.

Photo credit: Manda Phillips (not pictured, although she is one of the amazing coworkers mentioned above)

D spent the spring working part-time at the Y and recovering from surgery. I kept working Outdoor Eduction, volunteering with the Teen Moms group at my church, and growing a baby.

Photo credit: Shelby Blevins Photography

Photo credit: Shelby Blevins Photography

On June 1st, two major things happened. It was my last day of work at BRR. It was difficult to leave such a wonderful job, but I came home to exciting news: D accepted a job in Williamsport, PA. He would start in the beginning of July. We had one month to pack, find a place to live, move there, and, oh yeah, have a baby.

My sister came up from Georgia to help with the birth. She brought her oldest son, Isaac (11), and her daughter, Rachel (1 1/2). She was also 7 months pregnant.

Photo Credit: Isaac Robinson

Samantha Dare entered our lives on June 16th, one day before her due date. D and Erin were by my side for the entire experience, and Erin stayed a few extra days to help me get the hang of things. Since then, every day has been an adventure. Samantha is growing so fast, and it is awesome to watch her learn new things every day. At six months old, she is rolling over, sitting up, commando crawling, and rocking back and forth on her hands and knees (I think she'll be crawling in the next few days). She is also babbling up a storm, incredibly curious about everything, and her first tooth is poking through. My father calls her "the baby of many faces."

Photo Credit: Alexandra Wasik

Photo Credit: Esther Kanuchok

We moved to Williamsport on July 1st, when Samantha was only two weeks old. The move went smoothly thanks to the help of many friends and family who helped us move out of our old apartment (pictured below) and move into our new apartment.

Photo Credit: Manda Phillips (who also helped, along with others who are not pictured)

In August, I was able to go down to Georgia to be with my sister during the birth of her 7th child, Gideon. It was an interesting road trip with an 8 week old baby (D had to stay behind in PA), but I am so glad I was able to be there!

Samantha, 2 months, & Gideon, 2 days (Photo Credit: Erin Robinson)

Samantha and all of her Robinson cousins

D started his new job and is staying very busy running the pool at the Y. He also opened an Etsy Shop for his various crafts (RavenShadow Designs) and writing short stories and children's stories. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Samantha, with only having to work a few hours a week (I coach a youth swim club and teach water fitness at the Y). I also opened an Etsy shop for Awesome Cupcake, and the last few weeks have had the opportunity for my cupcakes to be sold at a local coffee shop (Alabaster Coffee Roaster & Tea Company). I am hoping to continue baking and expand Awesome Cupcake locally in the next year.

So, that's our year in review! I am looking forward to the upcoming year. I hope that you and your family had a very Merry Christmas and will have a blessed new year!

Christmas 2012

Redemption

Every morning for the past two months, when I walk out of my bedroom, the very first thing I see are all of my plants. They are spending the winter in a little alcove in the hallway to stay warm. Unfortunately, I was a bit late in bringing them in, and they suffered through a few frosts outside. When I brought them in, some were black and limp. There was absolutely no sign of life to them. This included my favorite plant, Cher. 

Before you ask, no, I am not in the habit of naming my plants. The other plants are all " that aloe" or "Cher's babies." But I got Cher from my friend Michelle one summer while working at camp. Cher was a "baby" from her plant (also named Cher), who was a "baby" from her friend's plant (yet another Cher). The idea is to share the plant... hence the name. I've had my Cher now for about six years. She grew huge. I have shared her with many people over the years. And then, I killed her.

Or, so I thought. Suddenly, a few days ago, I woke up in the morning to walk out to this beautiful sight:

Sprouting up from the brown, dry leaves that once were my exuberant plant is new growth! Beautiful, bright green leave bursting through what looked like death. I was just about to toss out the dead plant. For weeks, I would take Samantha over to the plants and we'd pull out as many of the dry leaves as we could (she would then try to eat them, of course). I was hoping to make room for any hint of new growth, but weeks persisted where there was just constant dreariness and death. And then, suddenly, there was life!

I know Christmas is a time when we focus on Christ's birth, and not necessarily His resurrection. But every morning this week, as I've woken up and walked out of my bedroom, I have been greeted with this simple, beautiful reminder of new life. More importantly, of the new life that has been given to me through Christ. Because we have a God who loves us more than we can ever fathom. A God who died for our sins. A God who rose from the dead so we can be reconciled with Him. A God who gave up everything so we can have new life.

I don't know about you, but I have had many times in my life that have seemed black, dry, and dead. Hopeless. Where I was about to give up, and perhaps others were about to give up on me. But God consistently worked to clear all that away, even when I couldn't see it. And now, as a child of a living and loving God, I am full of hope, joy, and new life.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. I hope that the beautiful reality of God's love for you - through Jesus' birth, life, death, and resurrection - permeates through everything you do this season, and that you, too, are made anew.

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." - Romans 6:4

Baking with Baby

It's that wonderful time of the year... time to bake! Cookie exchanges, loaves of bread for gifts, cakes and pies for family dinners... is it any wonder that I love Christmas so much? When you combine my love of eating with my love of baking, December becomes my favorite month. Not only are there more reasons to bake, I also find that people tend to be less concerned with eating sweets ("it's only once a year" or "it's a special occasion"), and therefore I can get more people to try my latest kitchen concoctions.

Of course, I bake year-round. And halfway through this year, a major obstacle to baking success entered my life: Samantha. I'm not complaining, but it is extremely difficult to bake successfully with a baby in the house. So, for anyone else who has just entered parenthood and has the urge to bake massive amounts of goodies this Christmas, I thought I'd offer a few helpful pointers for "baking with baby."

First and foremost, accept the fact your baby will need you at the least opportune time. She might nap the entire way through the preparation, but wake up - very hungry - two minutes before your cupcakes/bread/whatever is due to come out of the oven. When I am home alone, this either means dealing with an upset baby for a few extra minutes, or ruining my baked goods. When D is home, this has often turned into a situation where he brings me a batter-loaded toothpick so I can gauge the amount of time left in the oven while simultaneously nursing the baby. (Read: "It needs about two and a half more minutes." "You can tell that from a toothpick?" ... My superpowers are quite incredible, really.)

Secondly, you will need to entertain your baby. Sometimes Samantha will sit contentedly and play with her own toys, but usually she is very interested in what I'm doing. This is when passing her a clean spatula to "lick" is helpful (as I lick one of the batter-filled ones). Or letting her play with colorful cupcake wrappers. I often act out a cooking show for her. I explain each of the ingredients, its role in the baking process, and how much I'm using. I show her how to measure out flour, why it's helpful for ingredients to be room temperature, about the importance of sifting, and why we cream together butter and sugar. Sometimes, when she starts to fuss, I do this as a song and dance. This is always around the time my neighbors walk by the kitchen window.

Third, if you're the kind of person who needs to be at peace for baked goods to turn out well, accept the fact that this will never happen. Usually, baking is my time of relaxation and enjoyment. It's like making delicious science, and few things can beat it. But with an extra little person in the room who needs me - often on a schedule quite contrary to what I planned to do while baking - that time is no longer my own. And for some reason, this really affects my outcome. I don't know if I am more distracted, or not as careful, but I have ruined more baking projects with Samantha than I ever did before her. (Let's be honest, though - it's worth it.)

With all those challenges in mind, these are some helpful strategies for success:

Prep Ahead of Time
Baking a batch of cupcakes has become an all day adventure. It starts in the morning. When S is napping or reasonably happy playing by herself, I sift together all my dry ingredients on a sheet of wax paper. If she's still doing well, I measure out my butter and sugar. If we're still good, I then measure out any liquid ingredients. By the time I'm ready to begin actually mixing, I usually have everything pre-measured and ready to go. This way, my mixing time goes a lot faster.

Timing is Key
I've been playing around with the best timing for things. Even with everything measured out and ready, it still takes time to properly mix the ingredients, fill the baking cups/loaf tins/etc. And then to get them in the oven, wait the 15-45 minutes (depending on what you're making) until it's ready. And repeat if doing multiple batches. Keeping a baby happy for this long becomes a challenge. I first attempted to mix during naps, but as I mentioned before, she always woke up at the worst time. I now use nap time as "prep" time, and baking time begins immediately after she wakes up. I love on her for a few minutes, nurse her, and then get to work while she is happy, full, and well-rested. This allows me to be able to pull everything out of the oven just in time for her to take another nap. She is a quick eater, so I can usually nurse her again when things are in the oven if I start immediately.  Otherwise, I wait until everything is out and then I can nurse her to sleep.

No Baby-Wearing
Sure, when I'm making things just for me and D, I'll sometimes wear Samantha on my hip as I prepare all the ingredients. But when it's time for the oven, she goes into her bouncy seat or on the floor. I know this should go without saying, but please don't ever try wearing or holding your baby near a hot oven. Even if she's fussy. Scratch that - especially if she's fussy.


Keep It Simple
Some recipes are much easier than others. If you're home alone with baby, stick to the easy ones. If I want to complete a batch of cupcakes all in one weekday, I tend to opt for a basic flavor with a basic frosting - no frills, no special ingredients, no advance prep needed. When it's time to make things that are complicated, I wait until Samantha has gone to bed (not just a nap), and D assumes "baby duty." If Samantha wakes up and fusses, he's in charge of responding. For example, tonight I made a batch of homemade caramel sauce. This is a time-consuming process that needs constant attention, or else the sugar will burn and the sauce will be ruined. My stove top is lame, so it takes about half an hour to make a good caramel sauce. It's not possible to do with a baby needing my attention. This becomes my half hour of "baby free" time, no matter what happens. (And since D loves my salted caramel cupcakes, he is more than happy to take care of Samantha without any back-up.) For things that are slightly less complicated, but still very time-consuming (example: toasting/flaming the marshmallow topping on S'more cupcakes), I can do this while Samantha is awake but only when D is in charge. They sit in the living and play games, read books, and sometimes pop in to see what I'm up to. But they don't stay long before they are banished again. This system works well for us, even if it means that I'm staying up a little later than usual.

So, I guess with a little foresight, baking with a baby around isn't too much of a hassle. Especially if you are doing it intermittently. But if you are preparing for a big Christmas bake fest, be prepared to need help with the baby! And, of course, a big spatula for licking the bowl.

These Old Jeans

I have a pair of jeans that have been patched and re-patched multiple times. The left knee is torn, the back pockets are about to fall off, and the blue heart fabric patching up the worn places is ripping out of the stitching. When I was packing away my non-maternity clothes to make room for those that would accommodate my growing stomach last year, I almost threw them away. Almost. But I didn’t.

For years, I wore those patched jeans on a daily basis. They are from American Eagle, back before they only stocked styles appropriate (and yet simultaneously inappropriate) for preteen girls. These pants weren’t patched back then; not even pre-ripped. When they first tore, I repaired them and kept going. More holes appeared, and so did more patches. These jeans were so comfortable that I just kept patching up holes whenever current patches failed. But they are now beyond repair, and I can’t wear them outside the comfort of my home. Yet, I still wear them.

I first got these jeans my senior year of college. They saw me through writing my thesis, studying on Front Quad, and graduation.  I wore them through a summer of camp in North Carolina, and a lonely year and a half on my own in Ohio. I wore them as I led hikes through northern Alabama mountains and pulled 5^th graders out of Split Rock. I was wearing them the day I met my husband.

I’m not one to get sentimental about clothing, but these jeans have been through a lot. These jeans remind me of who I used to be.

Today, Samantha is sleeping in my arms. Her mouth is open into a small triangle and her head tilted back. With my book out of reach, I start to think about how much has changed these last few years.

I want to believe that I used to be fun and outgoing. I spent most of day outside – since this was, afterall, my job. I wrote poems and read lots of books. I had intellectual discussions with friends (even though I was never nearly as well-informed as they were). I had opinions about world affairs. I have never been cool, but I think I really came into my own in the years immediately following college. I was comfortable in my own skin, confident about who I was - even if I had no idea where my life was going - and I was happy.

Now, I spend my days literally covered in baby spit-up. Thanks to hormone changes, my hair is falling out by the fistfuls. Dark circles have taken up residence under my eyes. For want of conversation, I try to teach a 4 month old the importance of sifting flour when baking, or what type of mushroom we see on our daily walks. I make up songs about washing the dishes and changing diapers. I read books such as “The Portable Pediatrician,” and study topics like breastfeeding, babywearing, and baby development. Some days are really, really hard.

I often wear my old jeans to feel like the “old” me, instead of just old. I match them with a tank top and a bandana in my hair. This is what I am wearing as Samantha is sleeping in my arms, because I woke up this morning feeling worn out and boring. I wanted part of myself back – the energetic, creative, social me. But now, my arm is falling asleep, and I don’t want to move it because my daughter is simultaneously so funny looking and so adorable. I don’t want to ruin the moment.

When I think about it, I was very happy with my life before. For the period of my early and mid-twenties, it was a pretty great life to have. But this moment here - the gentle rise and fall of her chest, the soft snoring, the knowledge that when she wakes up, she will smile her giant toothless grin that’s just for me – this goes beyond happiness. It’s no longer about my ability to carry on an adult conversation, or the creative outlets I no longer have the time or energy to pursue. These things will come back, eventually. But this moment in time, with my sleeping baby, will never come back. Sure, there might be other afternoon naps in my arms, but none when she is exactly the person she is right now.

One day soon I will have to get rid of my tattered jeans. I am no longer single, no longer free to travel on a whim, no longer working a job that requires me to hang out at the top of the zipline tower. But when I look at who I am now - wife to an incredibly loving and considerate man, the man that God made for me and for whom I was made, and mama to a happy, healthy daughter who constantly amazes me with how much she learns and grows each day – I know that life is full of change. Memories of joys and trials will fade; sometimes during these last few years, I have felt pieces of my life ripping apart. And yet this moment, the one right here, is perfect and complete without patches.

 One week old.

Four months old.