Monday, February 6, 2012

A Love Story

(Fair warning: this post contains personal information about our pregnancy. If you don't want to know me that well, then skip this and look to tomorrow's post of a yummy recipe! Also, in my head, this post was really eloquent and passionate; but once I wrote it out it became kind of a mess of emotion and thoughts. I could spend time revising it and trying to make it "perfect" but then it would never get posted. So please read with the awareness that it was written mostly by a bundle of pregnancy hormones.)

Even though it seems somewhat obvious, I feel that it is only fitting that my first content-oriented post be about Baby. But, somewhat indirectly. This is a love story - one of the greatest love stories on the planet and one shared by millions of people in their own unique way. This is a love story between an imperfect girl and her all-loving and all-knowing Creator.

I have fallen in love three times in my life. Eleven years ago, I fell in love with Jesus. Four years ago, I fell in love with my husband. And just a few days ago, I truly fell in love with the child growing inside me. Here's how all three of these love stories connect.

First, a little background. I accepted Christ at age 17 but wavered frequently in my commitment to Him. Four years ago, He pulled me back to Him permanently by introducing a rough-around-the-edges, tattooed, pierced, scruffy guy from Buffalo, NY into my life. In Alabama. My love story with D is a great one (at least in my opinion), especially when you consider all of the factors that went into bringing us both to the same place, but that's not what this post is about. To keep it short: he was sick, I saved his life, we fell in love, and got married and are living happily ever after. It's like a fairy-tale, right?

Now, here's the tricky part: we both always knew that we wanted children. We met while working with children, and one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because I could easily picture him as the father of my future children (maybe that's creepy?) But my body doesn't function as it should, and I was told that I would have a very difficult time ever conceiving a child of my own. D knew this even when we were dating, and we were both always open about the idea of one day adopting. There were further complications, as well, and it became pretty clear after just a few months of marriage that having biological children was most likely not going to happen. Still, I decided to go off any artificial birth control and just trust in God (I definitely didn't want to put any more barriers in the way of natural conception, even if it was already "nearly impossible.") By tracking my body's happenings with the natural "fertility awareness" method, I was able to recognize that in almost two years of marriage, I had ovulated twice. That's right, just two times. In the long months that spanned between these random bursts of fertility, I just kept praying that God would bring us children in His time - and in His way. Meaning: we were both still open to adoption, or even foster care, as long as that was His will and He provided the path for those options. We definitely didn't consider that we'd be anywhere close to ready for children at this current stage of our lives, so these prayers were more just general "FYI's" than impassioned pleas.

Back in October, I noticed during my morning temperature-taking ritual that my temperature had spiked (ovulation #2 in almost two years of marriage), and I waited a few days for it to drop again (it usually drops back down after 3-5 days, which is not long enough for a pregnancy to take hold). After eight days, I began to wonder... I started making comments to my husband suggesting that I might be pregnant... and I kept doubting and waiting for the inevitable drop in temperature. After a few more days, I gave in and took the test. And it was positive. I was shocked and... shocked! I had yet to develop a feeling of happiness or joy or excitement. I was just in shock. So was D, once he finally believed me. And that day, sitting on the couch in complete and utter disbelief, I just started praying over the baby. One major reason for early miscarriage is a lack of progesterone - which is also the reason why my temperature was only ever elevated for a few days instead of the average 14. So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and worried, and finally just committed the baby to God. After all, it would not have been possible without Him, so this was His baby. (I'm a worrier, so I have worried through almost every step of this pregnancy so far...)

Anyway, the first five months were rather uneventful. I had a hard time getting excited about the baby because it didn't quite feel "real." There are also a lot of things going on that make having a baby right now really "bad" timing (at least to me!): D has to have another major surgery at the end of February, he is still looking for a full-time job, and I have turned in my resignation at a job that I absolutely love so I can stay home with the baby (which was my choice, and one I always knew I'd make, but still a very difficult one!). Oh yes, and then there's the piles of medical bills and student loans that we can barely pay each month... it just all seemed like bad timing and it was hard to adjust to for the first few months. But health-wise, everything was good, and the baby was growing well.

A few weeks ago, God gave me peace about the whole situation. This is not to say I am not worried about some things, but about our life circumstances in general, I have a sense of calm. I know that it's not in my timing, but in His. And most importantly, I have learned to completely surrender. I just turned it ALL over to God - the job situations, the health of the baby, D's surgery, our future living arrangements, the debt - and this has been the most amazing step I've ever taken in my life. I feel so close to God lately, in an intimate way that is difficult to describe. I feel loved and comforted (and disciplined), and it is the most amazing experience of my life! So many doors have been opened and so many blessings have come our way just through this act of trust and surrender. And what made this all possible is not my love for God, but God's love for me; His continuous pursuit of my heart even when I have turned away or when I doubt. Four years ago, He called me back to Him when He introduced me to D, and just lately He has shown me love and called me back to Him again through the life of the baby inside me. And while it took a while for me to get truly excited about the pregnancy, I am now so full of joy and of love for this child! Last Friday, our 20-week ultrasound showed everything growing correctly on our precious little girl. Looking at the images on the screen, it was so hard to believe that God has created such a perfect little one inside me. And the coolest part is - He loves her already! And already has a plan for her!

Scripture tells us that God will give us the desires of our hearts (as long as we surrender our selfish desires and seek out His). He promises this to us, and He has fulfilled this promise in my life. D and I always felt that God would bring us children one way or another, but it is overwhelming and awesome that we are having a baby despite all the odds against it. So, this is my love story: I was created by an all-loving, personal God who knows the desires of my heart. He knows my hopes and fears, He knows my best and worst qualities, He knows when I doubt and when I stumble. But He loves me anyway, and He demonstrates this love in tangible, powerful ways. This is the type of love that all fairy-tales should be made of, and yet is not a fantasy; it's the truth.

4 comments:

  1. so lovely and powerful! thanks Sarah, for your love and faithfulness. Welcome sweet girl child!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey with Jesus and how God has blessed you. Hugs, sister in Christ!

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