Scar Tissue

For obvious reasons, my mind has been on things of the medical nature lately. One of the most fascinating things about the human body to me is its ability to scar. According to Wikipedia (an unreliable source for anything academic, but helpful when needing a quick description for blogging): "Scars are areas of fibrous tissue (fibrosis) that replace normal skin after injury. A scar results from the biological process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process."

Physically, I have very few scars. I have a small one on my chin from falling off my bike; two thin lines on my arm from a blood clot test when I was five, and a small scar across my back from being tickled. D, however, has lots of scars (just ask him about the mark on his arm from his "barracuda attack"). The biggest one, of course, is on his abdomen. After his first three surgeries, he had a wide, ragged scar beginning at his Xiphoid process (thanks 11th grade anatomy class!) down to the button of his jeans. Half of his stomach was numb to the touch because this scar tissue lacked nerve endings.

Our bodies are amazing creations, able to heal in many ways. Some ways are more effective than others, but ultimately these healing processes exist for survival.

Whether your body is mapped with scars or you have been injury-free your entire life, there are other, sometimes less obvious, scars that can form. This is when we build up scar tissue in our spirit.

There are two causes for these types of scars. The first is because of an injury inflicted by others. Examples of this would be abuse, neglect, bullying, hurtful words, abandonment, loss, etc. The second cause is injury we inflict upon ourselves: addictions, low self-esteem, confinement, guilt, and so on. Interestingly, I think it is very common to inflict injuries upon ourselves in reaction to injuries inflicted upon us by others - a "healing" method that doesn't actually work and just goes to create more scar tissue. For example, someone might be inclined to withdraw from social interactions (confinement) because of hurtful words or bullying from others. Or someone might try to seek healing through addiction because of past abuse or loss. But let's be honest, and just acknowledge that we are all susceptible to any of these types of injuries, regardless of who we are, where we're from, how we were raised, etc.

So, an injury occurs. It's painful, and in an attempt to survive it, we build up scar tissue. This helps mask the pain, while also providing a way to continue on in daily life. We become a little numb around the heart, building up more and more scar tissue so that we won't feel any semblance of hurt.

During D's 4th and 5th surgeries this month, the surgeon had to do one major thing before he could even begin to attempt fixing the ailment: he had to remove all of the scar tissue from the previous abdominal operations. There was so much there that it was blocking the path to the problem, and ultimately to proper healing. So, normally, scar tissue is a good thing... but too much of it can actually cause more problems. Patients with myocardial infarction might have excess scar tissue build up around their hearts, which will ultimately lead to heart failure. This tissue, which is supposed to serve a good purpose, can end up causing more damage.

Sometimes, in order to heal, the scars must be removed.

As scar tissue forms in our (non-physical) hearts, it can end up blocking our hearts instead of protecting us. Scripture urges us to "guard our hearts" for they are "the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Sometimes, scarring is the fastest way to heal after a spiritual or emotional injury. Go numb. Let the tissues start to heal. But don't stay that way.

I am discovering the ramifications of a closed-off heart as I type this. As I have previously written, I am not a good nurse/caretaker/nurturer. With D home from the hospital, I try to make sure that his physical needs are met (getting him water, helping him up if he needs it, etc.), but after two years of trying to cope with various injuries, ailments, and recoveries, my heart has hardened to protect itself. This means that I close myself off to him emotionally, because if I don't, I'll just be a weeping puddle on the floor every time I can't help him manage his pain, or I am not around when he needs me, etc. So instead I become stone. I come home from work, do some housework, and then make myself as emotionally unavailable as I possibly can. This might be thinly veiled by my sudden interest in getting the closets cleaned out or vacuuming the car, or with excuses of being too tired to talk. I don't tell him about my day, my concerns, my hopes, etc. I don't ask about his. I try to go numb, because it hurts me to see him hurt so much and not be able to do anything about it. But, in reality, I am only causing us both more pain by locking off my heart like this. I am inflicting injuries upon myself and upon him. We both begin to feel very lonely and disconnected. Small issues become big issues. Resentment starts to grow. I realize the selfishness of this all, but I feel like I need to be completely honest here.

Here's the thing: when Scripture says to "guard your heart," it does not mean "close your heart." It does not mean to stop caring, stop loving, stop sharing, stop growing. These are the purposes for which our hearts were created! We must be diligent to protect them so that they can continue to function in these capacities, for the sake of others as well as ourselves.

So, how do we break down this scar tissue that ends up blocking our hearts? The first thing is: stop the injury! If it is at all within your control, you must remove yourself from these causes of pain. For example, I struggle with body image at times, and for a while had to make a concentrated effort not to watch a particular tv show that had a very attractive, hardcore female character to whom I kept (very negatively) comparing myself. This is a small example, but other examples would be to get out of addiction, out of an abusive relationship, away from influences that cause you doubt your self-worth. Of course, there are some injuries we can't necessarily stop (for example, the loss of a loved one), but we can control how much scar tissue we let take over our hearts in the aftermath.

The second step is: forgive. I think regardless of the type of injury, there is always somebody that needs to be forgiven in order for us to heal. It might be another person (an abuser, a bully, etc.). Sometimes, it might be God that you need to forgive, especially if you are angry at Him for "allowing" these injuries to occur. Most often, I think it is ourselves that need our own forgiveness. I carry a lot of guilt about not being the best caretaker of D during this difficult time, and that just contributes to me closing off my heart even more. I need to ask him to forgive me for my selfishness, but I also need to forgive myself. Guilt just builds up more scars, more numbness, more walls. 

The truth is, only God can clean out the scar tissue we've let build up. And he can only do it if we let Him. An oft-quoted and very popular verse was one of the first ones I ever memorized: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10). We are not meant to go through life in excruciating pain. But we are also not meant to go through life numb. God can clean all of the junk out of our hearts and make them clean again. It can be painful for a time, and might involve sacrifice, but I promise - and I say this even as I go through one of these painful "cleansing" times - it is always worth it.